The Power of Me

Today I want to share a very personal issue with me. I want to share my struggle and journey of the heart. It has been a very rocky road and many of my choices still affect me to this day. But one thing I am sure of is it is my journey. It is no one else' unless I choose to share it with someone.

My travels through life have taken me from heart to heart. Some good others not so much. But as I mentioned in my last post two times I found a fellow heart I would spend forever with. Finding that I will never regret. I will never apologize for and I will never forsake.

Since I have talked so much of M I will share some of that story with you. From the beginning I paid a heavy price of being with M. Early on it was mainly challenges between us. But we overcame those and became stronger.

However, all along my wonderful and magical dance with him people disapproved. They intruded in my life and objected. Some gave me ultimatums. Others took a more direct approach and made me pay a direct price for being with him. Still I did walk with him. I let him embrace me look deeply into my soul and we danced a glorious waltz.

After M and I were not together some thought it appropriate I find a decent partner and they chose one for me. He was not a bad guy and maybe if I had met him in another time and place I may have dated him. I don't think there would be forever but more a friend.

So I was confronted with an ultimatum to be with him. I said no. I still say no. It is my life, my soul, and my choice. No one will force their will upon me ever again. I'd sooner choose to cease existing than bow down before such. It's funny you don't think of such stories in the western world but they are there.

When I declined, the powers that be decided to make my life a living hell for it. I said no. I still say no. My heart is my own and I hold the key to whoever I allow in. I'm not sure M ever knew just what I endured for him and I still endure, but I have no regrets. He is in my heart for all time. Hopefully I still have a torch burning somewhere in his.

You know I have gone over this so much in my mind about such actions families and cultures push upon us in life. Society will not fall apart of two people are not together. Genetic lines will continue if people choose their own path. Family alliances should be made on honor and trust not auctioning off your young. And most important I think is no culture who forces it's will upon any member to undertake a relationship, marriage, or children, that is not their choice, is utterly corrupt and doomed.

To all of you who may live in a society like this I am sorry. I am sorry this may offend you and I am sorry your will is being compromised. I am not sorry for my words, my thoughts, or who my heart chooses.

The power of me is my right to choose. It is my life. You may not like my choice, you may object to my choice, and you may not be in control of its outcome but that is fine. It was never your choice or your life.

We all have the power of me. All we have to do is exercise it. I have and still suffer for my choice. I do not regret it in the slightest. Even though M is not with me I honor him in my heart. I always shall. Who knows maybe one day I may find another but even then it will be my choice and mine alone.

Use the power of you and choose your destiny, most especially in matters of the heart. Relationships are not contracts. People are not to be bought and sold. People are not bonds of alliance. People are not property.

I can tell you what people are. They are love. Any action that limits, suppress', or infringes upon that is unjust and a blight upon the very soul of a society. Life, people, and love are all personal things. Funny we are back to free will.

The power of me is the power of you. Exercise you right to self determination. Be free and allow your soul to sing to whoever it so chooses. I walk in fire for mine but the flames of injustice to do not burn me. They are cold and bitter. The only flame that burns me is that which my heart lit when I chose forever. And I would suffer it for eternity for it is gentle, kind, and loving.

My words are the expression of my heart and it's choices. Agree or disagree but they are true. I hope and pray you learn such grace. Because with or without M in my life he has given me enough to last eternity.

The only thing I would add would be to the man who was thrust into my life. I am sorry but you do not have my heart. I wish you happy journey's and maybe one day you will find one person you can have forever with.

I have the power of me. I have no regrets.



Love is Never Wrong!

Lessons of the Heart: Forever

Being LGBT it has become so easy to simply make connections and separate love and sex. Society has certainly driven us to this. Ostracism, harassment, discrimination, and threat of death forces things like love to be hidden in dark places when they should be celebrated in the light of day.

Only now in parts of the world can we marry, attend churches in the open, and do all those wonderful things like hold hands openly and kiss.  There is a long way to go yet but now some of us can undertake the full pinnacle of love, forever.

Forever...that stage of love when you could see your self staying with one person till the end of time. Good times and bad, sickness, and death. You would live your life with them and without second thought be happy to do it all over again, forever.

I know in my own life I have been blessed with two people I would say that with.  I love and treasure each and every one I have ever said I love you to but only two have ever made me feel like forever. Sadly both didn't feel the same.

That is part of what I would like to talk about today. Love is so precious and finding forever a treasure so rare your lucky to find it in a lifetime. So many of us have struggles and issues with such commitments because we get bogged down in so many things and pressures.

In my case I struggled with being LGBT and child sexual abuse. When you have been hurt so young and for so long before your body begins to awaken to such things you shut things down to protect yourself. You begin a mental and physical denial saying you may take this but you will not get this.

Sadly when you do that so young you may never turn some things back on or struggle to do so. You have doubts in not only others but yourself. If you have ever known being reduced to a sexual object it makes it hard to trust. It is hard to trust in yourself and others.

Of the two I let in to my forever zone I know I felt unattractive, uninteresting, unsure what to do, and some times I just didn't understand. Making connection when you shut them down so long ago is difficult because quite simply you have to make a new access to something like that because they may have never formed.

 Love can be difficult enough in normal situations let alone being LGBT, abuse, or persecution. Those who carry the T have it even worse they have that and dealing with gender identity. It is not easy, not at all.

However, as I was saying, the two I let in I had to create new places for them. It took me so long to accept they wanted me. I had to accept someone thought I was attractive, smart, funny and lovable. But I eventually did. Oh and what a feeling when you can get there. It is like a spark that could light a thousand suns. A joy you really can not describe.

As I said though both decided they didn't want forever with me. One of them I have told you about. That was M. All the hardships and pain we went through were enough to shatter lives but when we finally found our footing it was indescribable. I don't chase after M anymore. He made it clear he didn't want me so I will respect his wishes.

I'm tired of chasing and being the one to fight for something and start the spark so I leave it in his heart. He knows me and where I am. As much as my heart hurts not being with him I want him to be happy even if its not with me. If he ever discovers that old flame still burns I'd give him another chance but he would have to fight for me. He would have to chase me. The burden is on him now.

The other who touched my heart... what can I say? He was tall handsome, strong... Oh I recall those arms. He was kind and gentle. He had a deep faith in God and he made me feel so special. I was so unsure around him. I was so sure someone else was going to take him from me because they were more attractive, interesting, or talented.

It took me so long to accept he truly wanted me. When I did my heart soared. It said I would be happy to spend forever with him. I felt a peace and joy to sustain the heart through eternity. I can't say we were perfect people but we connected. But as I mentioned earlier he decided he didn't want forever.

In what I thought was a romantic get away he suddenly pulled the carpet out from under me. He was calm and collected and had obviously planned it. To me however I had no warning signs. I felt so foolish, humiliated, hurt, and heartbroken.  All those old second nature feelings from my childhood came calling.

"See what happens when you open your heart?" came screaming. I just wanted to withdraw from the earth its self and hide in some dark corner and that's what I did retreating to a dark corner of a cabin. I know the tears flowed freely that night.

Both were intensely painful and severe blows to my heart. It took me some time to get to a good place with both wonderful men. Oh I still cry now and then over the circumstance or when the memories stir and my heart yearns to once again be in their arms.

Some of you are probably thinking why risk such pain. My answer is simple if you don't take a chance it will always just be you. I don't regret opening my heart to either one. I may regret some events or choices with them but I don't regret the love.

I would give either of them another chance. But the burden would be on them. This soul has known enough pain. It's their choice to chase me or fight for me for once. It's their place to let me know I'm valuable in their hearts still.

So what does all this have to do with what I began discussing? Love is a thing so precious. It is a thing you must fight for and maintain. It is a thing you should not discard lightly. Doubts are not a an excuse. Not sharing enough similar interests are not an excuse. Not fitting your picture of desire is not and excuse.

Love is what ever happens. By all means enter life with an open heart and let it go where it will. You may be surprised and find the stuff of forever where you never knew to look. Don't give up till your sure it's no longer love. No one probably told you love is work but it is such a sweet task. And when you find it it's such a sweet joy.

Please set aside connections and explore love. Let all those wonderful feelings flow. If you fail pick up your aching heart and try again. Forever is a reward that washes away any pains you can carry. It is a fulfillment that leaves the heart bursting with joy.

To the two men who enchanted my heart and soul I say I am here and you still haunt the chambers of this wounded heart. The old kindling is still there. It maybe be a bit water logged from tears but I'm sure if you worked to light it, it would soar forth. I miss that warmth. If nothing else come visit this soul when it is near departing this Earth. My eyes would love to gaze upon beauty and say things long silent.

Forever does not end with goodbye. It is merely a pause.



Love is Never Wrong!

Phase

I came across this and thought it shared so much meaning to many of us. I hope you enjoy it as well.

Love is Never Wrong!

The Burden of Shattered Lives

One of the most passionate things I carry with me as  LGBT, domestic violence survivor,  and the survivor of child abuse is how quickly ones life can be shattered. You can carry scars and pains for so long, some you never know are there till they erupt.

I am a firm believer each of us, no matter who we are, should try and pick up the pieces of us scattered about and  try to unlearn the hurt and pain. It is not easy. Some things we may never forget. Some things may have become second nature we react to.

When such horrible things happen I think there is a burden on society as a whole to help people heal and mend. Most of the time it's just a matter of love, support, and making sure they can trust others. It may take a very very long time but it is a burden we must all take.

I've said before everyone matters. We as a people move forward at the pace of our slowest member. It may not be convenient or desired but we can never be whole without them. And if we can not be whole then our future is just as shattered as those lives we left behind.

In my own life I have struggled to pick up most of the pieces myself. Thankfully though some good people have been there when I needed them. That being said there were also times when I was desperately struggling and no one would help or was around.

Each of us struggles with our own burdens in life but most of us are not being crushed under a tidal wave of pain. So please toss a life preserver to those in need or help them swim to safety. You never know what wonders you may unleash by saving a life or healing the wounded.

Beautiful things sprout from the seeds of love. Give everyone a chance to grow and bloom.



Love is Never Wrong!

Proclaiming the Mantle of God

As a person of faith I usually refrain from making to many posts of a religious nature. I believe we each have to choose our faith or lack of. If we choose faith we have to choose the path that seems right in our very souls. Whatever the case it is our will and choice.

So much recently I keep hearing those who seek influence and power proclaim their view of God's will. This in it's self is disturbing to me that anyone proclaims to know Gods will on anything beyond their own life. What's more disturbing is proclamations that hurt others.

Allow me oh Christian brothers and sisters remind you of some things you seem to be forgetting. To those of you who are not Christian or even believers I'm sorry but this must be said to some stray folk.

Leviticus 23:22

When you reap the harvest of your land, moreover, you shall not reap to the very corners of your field nor gather the gleaning of your harvest; you are to leave them for the needy and the alien. I am the LORD your God.

Deuteronomy 14:28-29

At the end of every third year you shall bring out all the tithe of your produce in that year, and shall deposit it in your town. The Levite, because he has no portion or inheritance among you, and the alien, the orphan and the widow who are in your town, shall come and eat and be satisfied, in order that the LORD your God may bless you in all the work of your hand which you do.  

Deuteronomy 15:8

but you shall freely open your hand to him, and shall generously lend him sufficient for his need in whatever he lacks.

Matthew 5:42

Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

Timothy 6:18

Instruct them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share,

John 3:17

But whoever has the world's goods, and sees his brother in need and closes his heart against him, how does the love of God abide in him?

Romans 14:13

Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather determine this--not to put an obstacle or a stumbling block in a brother's way.

2nd Corinthians 9:6-7

Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.


Now I could go on with many more passages but I shall not. I am not here to judge but remind you of your Christian duty since some of you seek to proclaim it so vehemently.  The poor, the needy, the lame, the hurt, and the widow are going without. Give or do not, it is your choice and your actions make God's.


To my other readers who may have gotten to this point please regardless of religion or belief  lift those up around you, tend the sick, defend the weak, and love all.



Love is Never Wrong!

Drowning in Good Intentions

Have you ever had people who know your problems and struggles, but only the surface knowledge, rush to help you, advise you, and fix you? They rush in forcing themselves into your life causing chaos, pain, and much much deeper damage than what you were dealing with?

I have known this struggle to often in life. It's not like finding someone interesting and hoping to get to know them or pursuing an attractive person. It's willful invasion of your life and forcing their views upon you. At times it may be lies and deceptions, and even darker things in the name of their "goal."

It can be hard sometimes to deal with this when you know these people want to help. But I think they forget a fundamental principal in life, we all have free will. This does not give you the right to force yours on another. It gives you the right to live your life.

So sometimes we get stuck with good people doing harm. Allow me to give you all some advice from one who has at times suffered greatly from such actions. Advise but know your limits. If someone is not receptive stop. Help if asked. Not everyone needs rescued. Some can heal all by themselves if you have faith in them, are there if they need you, and leave them be.

Now, yes it can hurt knowing someone you know or love is in such pain. It is hard to not try and repair their hearts and world. I'm not saying don't reach out. I am saying do so with the responsibility of knowing they may say no and not want you there. In that case stand back and just wait and be prepared if they do call upon you. Love, always love.

For the other side be clear. Let them know you may appreciate their efforts but do not want them. Also be aware you still have to fix you, even if its not them. If people can not respect your boundaries make the hard choice. True friends, loves, and families will give you faith and love. If they don't do that then maybe the foundations of your relationship needs examined. Either way you fix you. If you need help get it. Just make sure its what you choose and who you choose.

I can say I have made my errors in life to. It is hard to let go of those in your life and when you love them so much it can rip you asunder as much as them. It's not a magical answer, I know, but you have to just love them. If you can not give them what they need then just be there for them. No one is a crusade. No one is a cause. But at one time or another we are all lost, lonely, or hurting.

TLC (Tender Love and Care) is the best prescription. If this is your life to please breath, cry, pray, and reach out in love. If your observing be a light for them to find a way out of their darkness. Don't venture in unknowing.

I wish you all love. I wish you all peace.



Love is Never Wrong!

A Different Path

I had a deep and interesting conversation with a old friend recently and I think I left him unbelieving, more understanding, and a bit sad. We talked about so much and for the first time I put my life into some perspective for him. At the end his eyes looked lost and he was shaking his head. Sadly in my telling him my reality he learned just how cruel life and some people are.

Maybe I walk a different path that others is what I came away with. I have hope for the world, each and every one of you. I think every one of you matters. I want you all know love and peace and live, live a good life. And yes, unlike the hollowness of some who say this, I love you.

I know many in our world have lost their way. Somewhere along the way they bought into  the belief more is better, they are more important, and people with less are not worthy. The attitude if your not helping me you are not important has flourished. 

You know I am not perfect, I do not have all the answers, and I won't pretend to tell you how to live your life. Maybe ;however, you consider my thoughts to be silly and naive. One thing I can tell you is we all matter. We all love and if we can not tap into that feeling for another Human we are doomed.

Everyone maters. Everyone deserves the ability to live. Everyone deserves the ability to live peacefully. Everyone deserves love. Most importantly everyone deserves the ability to learn, live, and grow of their own free will.

Free will what a wonderful gift, yet a thing so many seek to destroy. Exert your power, share your love, lift others up, and please give them the space to be themselves. You don't have to agree, you don't have to understand, and you don't have to sacrifice you.

The only sacrifice I think anyone must make is love. Touch someone in need. Give someone understanding. Be sure they can be who they are. Make sure all can live.

Maybe my words are scary. Maybe they are alien. Maybe it's not how the world works but it does not mean it can not. The blessings of tomorrow are born today. This world can be a wonderful place now. All it needs you to do the right thing.

Who knows your single act may teach another and then we have two. Two can become four and eventually a multitude. Love that wonderful emotion shared and spread across the breast of Humanity. It's not just a dream. It is a dignity, an honor, and a grace that is so sacred.

Walk your path in this world but look around you. Feed that person who is hungry. Help the person who struggles. Defend those so hurtfully taunted. Show others how to grow.

Love! Go figure, such a simple thing. A simple thing that only took you to take a little time and reach out.  Live for today and do the right thing. Those are the harvests of tomorrow and feed billions.

I invite you all to walk my path. Share the joys of a journey so grand that even becoming lost is a wonder.



Love is Never Wrong!