Tuesday, December 29, 2015

The Power of One

You know one of the greatest challenges many of us face in life is struggling to be ourselves or be free to do so. All to often in life some people or group wish to bring you into their fold or force you into it. They believe there is security, stability, and peace in one way, one rule, and one world.

Please don't believe those lies, deceptions, and illusions. Whether you are spiritual or not there is one truth. We as Humans are one people, but made up by the many. In short we have free will. What a wonderful thing to enjoy.

Don't get me wrong some abuse their will or make mistakes. Still the benefits of the individual far out way being bound to others. Now this does not mean we do not interact or tend to our fellows. It means every single one of us matters.

It's ok to think differently, act differently, and look differently. So many will tell you that you need to think less and follow more. That quite simply is not true. Yes we should be good people and be respectful of others but we are not cookies and no mold fits all of us, no matter how hard you try.

I've mentioned before we as a people are a fabric. Each of us and our life is a thread. Each thread is a different color, shape size, texture, even material. Some of us may even have prints or embellishments. That's ok.

Whether you are religious or not we all have free will, we all are different. The differences in us are not things that separate us. They are the things that bind us and allow us to grow. Can you imagine a world where someone didn't dare to publish science, poetry, or fiction? Can  you imagine a world where people didn't change fashion, hair styles, or jewelry? Can you imagine a world where your job is assigned to you regardless of desire, education is only for those selected, or free speech is only accepted if it matches the demands of the group?

The power we have as a people is in our individuality. Our survival is dependent upon being different. All those wonderful differences create change, awareness, and wonderful growth. Art, science, fashion, music, enlightenment... are all things that came from one person daring to present a new view.

Think about that. Someone, somewhere, at some time set in motion something wonderful that now graces your life. Maybe you have become so accustomed to it you don't realize it but such things are all around you.

People are not our enemy. Thought is not our enemy. Expression is not our enemy. Diversity is not our enemy. We are one made up of many. Each and every soul matters.

The power of one is in you. What do you want, feel, think, or even desire? What brilliant beauty or mercy do you wish to share or enlighten the rest of us with? It's ok to disagree, not enjoy the same things, or even have the same vision.

All those differences and passions are what make us great. Yes they may divide but if we respect and honor each other then we have peace. Change is ok. Never fear change. It does not mean you have to, but it does mean you have to extend honor and respect to those who do think so.

Yes good things can and may be lost due to change. That is ok to. We as people struggle to understand and achieve. Maybe we lose sight of things for a while in our ambitions but we do eventually restore balance. Sometimes we have to get hit over the head to realize it but we do.

The power of one is the fuel of dreams. Will you ignite your soul and shine in the great void dazzling all who gaze upon you or sit silently in the dark wondering what lurks and preys upon you in the ebony cloud?

The choice is simple, be!

Love is Never Wrong!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Journey of a Broken Heart

In my life I have known many who have touched my heart. Some have become special and others just friendly faces on my journey. Many have left me broken hearted or just plain broken. Still this hopeless romantic still dances to old memories.

It is good to reflect on the good times and good people. It's also good to forgive the bad ones. Most of my life I have been healing from one pain or another. I've hid away from thoughtless and cruel visitors. I've hung my head in sorrow. Still I walk my lonely path.

Somewhere out there is my fairy tale and dream life. So I walk on and dance to tunes old and new hoping one day this life will fulfill it's meaning. Far to long have I allowed the stop to dictate my journey.

The beautiful truth is the wonderful freedom of life is those who share your journey instead of you stoping to join anothers. Life must move forward and the people and places in it must move with you. Otherwise you are just a memory frozen in time.

I smile at my future though because the wonders of what may come are quite possibly the the infinity of love and beauty. My heart will always carry all its memories. Maybe old ones will return and maybe new ones as well.

What I do know is I will hold on to it all. This broken heart knows only love and healing and what wonderful things. Maybe one day all I have touched will know this wonderful thing as well. Maybe one day the world will embrace love and dance with me.

The journey of the broken heart is full of pain and love but what a journey. Embrace it all because if we can't love we are just a memory and what a waste of something so precious. Live your life, share it with others, be you and smile at the beautiful things and people. Take anothers hand and share your long walk.


Love is Never Wrong!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

My Christmas Wish

I've shared so much with you all over time so I'll share my Christmas wish as well. Some of you may understand it others may not. All that being said it is mine and it is sincere.

This year I wished to see my family. I wished we could all find peace and common ground. I wished even if they can not accept me they would leave me alone. I also wished if they can not or will not accept peace that God remove them from my life forever.

I have some very good people in my family but good people make mistakes, don't understand, and magnify things beyond what they are. Then you have those who only have a stone in their hand. I have some who refuse to admit their wrongs and atone for so many horrible horrible things. In short very few of my family are true.

Everyone who has ever hurt me or treated me wrongly has been forgiven. If I have ever erred or hurt another I have walked my time in humility, pain, and humiliation. It is now a point in my life they either accept peace or leave.

There is only so much a soul can do to reach out and mend bonds. I've invested far to much time and if it does not bear fruit it is time for me to leave them behind. I don't worry though. Family is always there even if it is one of the heart. There are many good people in the world and they will be open to love, forgiveness, and life.

So in short my Christmas wish is for peace. We all deserve that. Hopefully they are in my life instead of removed from it. Maybe love will reign.

To all of you readers who know my path I am sorry we both walk it. But know family is not just blood relation it is all those special people you share your life with. You always have someone as long as you let them in.

I wish you all peace!

Love is Never Wrong!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

The Cruel Cycle

Today I want to talk about what I call the Cruel Cycle. The Cruel Cycle is the cycle of abuse. In many ways it is part habit, rut, addiction, pain, and certainly humiliation. However there are so many other words and facets missing from that list.

When you have been in abuse it never just ends with the act perpetrated against you. It can be a wound to  your very soul. It also may be a task to rebuild yourself once it is over. However the sad part is those who are abused usually suffer more than just a single act.

Like me there are some of us who have gone through years of pain and torture. If we add in the possibility of it occurring in childhood we magnify all those descriptions by a great magnitude. No child should ever be hurt.

Part of this horrible cycle is what comes after whatever has hurt you. The pain and humiliation can be so hard to allow you to express. You can shut down socially, you can be so overprotective you shut people out of becoming to close, you learn to lie and deflect to hide yourself, and you lose yourself.

I think the last one is the hardest. We don't always realize we have lost ourselves. All those protective acts erode the foundations of who we are. Sometimes people who undergo abuse for to long begin to take on elements of their abuser. They can be brainwashed like any victim.

This sadly to is part of the cycle. Many abusers are carrying on what may have happened to them. Some may be deluded. They see their acts as something else. They may even feel justified in their acts. Abuse is never right but we must acknowledge it and the acts that may have created it.

In this cruel cycle lives are ripped and torn. Lives become shattered or lost. Having lived in this cycle I can tell you there is only one solution to it. The cycle must end. Regardless of victim or abuser it must end.

Both sides need help. Both sides have to heal and recover. Abusers must come to terms with their act and learn to stop. Abused need to learn to forgive and rise again. This is no easy task. It may take a very long time to undo some damage and pains. But we must try.

We should also know in all honesty that you may never forget but like all wounds they can heal. They may leave scars and they may remind you causing sympathetic pain but they do heal. Our hearts can rise again. Our security and confidence can recover. Our love can be expressed and shared.

The cruel cycle is exactly that, cruel. It is rarely ever simple or one sided. There are no easy fixes and simple solutions. However love must be it's starting point. We must love ourselves and as hard as it may be we must love those who have hurt us. Because if we can not forgive we can not heal. If we can not forgive our pain will linger and fester slowly making us just as bad as those who hurt us.

Forgiveness does not mean you forget. If we truly forget we only open a path to repeat mistakes in our lives. Live and learn. Grow and thrive. Love and forgive. I know all to well some may see this as unfathomable but love is the path to redemption and recovery.

Whatever our pains or sins we must end the cycle. Let it be in love so that the next generation never has to know the pains we have survived. I think that is the best we can hope for. Creating a future free of the Cruel Cycle is the greatest love we can extend.

No one should live a life of pain. Let us live lives of love.

Love is Never Wrong!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Life Lessons

In my life I have been a caretaker to many. I've been nurse and rehab for friends and family. I've seen horrible ravages of disease and accident. At times it has consumed my life and drained my soul. However I have never regret helping others. Life has taught me many lessons.

Whatever is before you in life realize you are not in a war or a battle. You are living. And by living that means whatever the challenge is embrace life. Embrace those around you. It is so easy to focus on what upends us. But we should focus on life.

Never surrender yourself to that you can not control. Life is yours. It may seem the last thing on your mind and you may hurt or worry but know life is yours. If you can not walk then use wheel chair or crutches. If you hurt watch a show or listen to your favorite music. Things that entertain and make you feel good can surprisingly lessen pain if by no other reason distraction.

If you can not stomach much then take a small bite, chew it, swirl it in your mouth but do not swallow. No one said  you could not taste flavor. If you can not tend yourself then allow another. Its not a humiliation or horrible thing. It is an act of compassion and love. We should tend to each other in life.

Should life deal you to much at once and your mind and body is ever so heavy take a cleansing shower, open your window and smell sweet air and see the sunshine. It may not take things away but beauty and simplicity can allow us time to breathe. And sometimes time is all we need.

The pain dealt by those who hurt or are cruel can be crushing. However, know all things pass. You can remove people from your life. You can move. You can rise again.  Dignity, honor, respect, and life are yours. Only you can allow another to take those from you. You may not see it in your moment but you are beautiful, loving, compassionate, and ever so worthy.

In the case we can not avoid certain things in life then realize they are not stopping your life they are merely part of it. If you struggle with cancer you do what you can to treat it but you live. If our acts to overcome are not for living then we have lost our way. Because even in trying to overcome we must honor the life we seek to live.

Embrace all that matters to you. Embrace all those who touch your heart. Embrace yourself because you matter. Live life, live a sweet life. Whatever is before you is only a facet not your definition. You can stop and focus on it but is it worth missing the rest?

All things pass, we move on, we leave hurtful things and people behind, and we love again. Life is not perfect and that is alright. Perfection my friends is in the soul that survives, lives, and loves. If we did not struggle beauty would not be as precious and life not as sweet.

I told you recently keep that innocent soul for what a wonderful way to see the world. It is also a wonderful way to live in the world.  Be the swan that gently glides down the river. Life is beautiful, not just in the good times.

Go open your window, smell sweet air, cry at the beauty of the rainbow, laugh mightily, greet the world and others with love, and know peace is in you. Smile in the knowledge you are the one who writes in the book of your life. Events, people, places, things may enter your life but you write the story. Will it be a journal of love or pain?

Love is Never Wrong!

Friday, December 11, 2015

The Price of Exclusion

The UN put out a nice video I wanted to share.

Love is Never Wrong!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Learning to Live

One of my greatest struggles in life has been learning to live. Everyone seems to have a different take on what it means to live and few overlap. I think that is because each of us are not quite the same. Our diversity creates unique paths for us all.

The one thing I have learned we all have in common is desire. Be that a lust for helping others or seeking adrenaline rushes. We each seek to feel excitement, love, adventure, pride... We want to feel good. We want to feel needed. Most especially we want to feel loved.

It is easy to forget to live sometimes, with the problems that face us. We may be oppressed, hurt, confused, or even lost. All those negative emotions that cloud our vision and create false shadows that haunt our lives.

Allow me to share one of the most beautiful and affirming times in my life. I've told you about my troubles with "M" now let me tell you about the wonders.

"M" was the first to truly make me feel alive. He gave me love, respect, and dignity. His time was mine at the slightest need. He encouraged me to try new things, go new places, and just live in the moment.

He was the first to make me feel comfortable just being me. Others may have taught me peace and trust but so did "M" There is nothing quite like having someone you are so comfortable with and trust that you never have to question or second guess. There is nothing like being someones focus in life.

The utter rarity that was "M" was that a look, a touch, and a presence could inspire and relay so much love and beauty. I never doubted him in the good times. To me it was as though an angel descended from the heavens caressed my soul and made me weep tears of joy.

Such love is rare. It is why I fought so intensely for him. I faithfully stayed with him because I touched that which  I have touched with no other. I can't say how he felt but he lit a fire in my heart so strong the furthest star could see its beacon.

After my rough times with "M" he atoned for his mistakes. Just as I apologized if I had caused any thing to have hurt him. If I combined most of the men I have met in life they would not equal him. He reached out sought forgiveness and mended my heart. Now days it is so rare to find a man who not only accepts his success but also owns up to his mistakes and makes right.

For you see my friends that is part of living. We reach out touch, explore, learn and grow. Our hearts acknowledge darkness and light. We redeem ourselves and others. In that moment we transcend into something greater than ourselves. We touch the very fabric of the universe.

Whatever is the fire of your soul find it, light it, and gaze upon its wonder. Remember that sweet nectar that touches your lips and feed a hungry soul, for that is living. Only you know its recipe but when you create it it is a moment of eternity.

And to my dear love "M". I know your pride and your pain. I am sorry if revisiting old wounds may have caused you any pain. But you have to know, to me, love washed the hurt away long ago. Now it is the lesson for others to know and learn because even in our darkest times if we can help one soul avoid or overcome what we have walked then our discomfort is a fair price.

I may not walk with you anymore and time and space separates us. Our problems and struggles have come and gone. Know also I have only ever wanted you to be happy and know love. If someone else touches that heart of yours please explore it and live. Because if they can get just a sliver of what I received then they are blessed. I wish you peace and love. And maybe one day I'll meet my friend and love once more and we can share the many graces we created.

For all of you my dear readers touch that fire in your heart, whatever may spark it. Let its warmth engulf you and dazzle in its shimmer. It's ok because love does not burn. Only it's absence can do that.

Love is Never Wrong!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Letting Go

Today I want to talk about one the hardest things we have to learn in life. That is letting go of people and things in our life. It is a difficult for most anyone really. Sometimes we get so vested in emotions and habits we can't imagine our lives without them.

Letting go is very hard. I won't even pretend to tell you otherwise. In my own life I have had to let go of so many of my family, loves, and pains. At times it can leave you feeling empty and desolate. It can rip asunder our lives if we don't watch it.

Sometimes we fear change. We fear someone or something is going to collapse our world. But will it really? It may very well change it and you may hurt at the loss but does your world really collapse? I don't think so. It may seem so at the time but we still live and breathe. We have daily routines to perform. Other people still come and go in our lives.

The hardest thing of letting go is grief. We mourn those people and things we have lost. Don't mistake my words love may never end but relationships can. People can die. And sadly disasters can take all we have worked for.

However, life does not end. It may take us time to grieve our loses and get used to an absence but it does not mean we must stop and live in a swamp of despair. Sometimes letting go is part of love. If your spouse or partner is unhappy and wants to leave, you may hurt but if it is not working maybe you need to consider their happiness first.

If a love or family has passed you still carry them inside you. Every precious moment you hold dear is in your heart, it's just now up to you to hold. If you have been ever so hurt and see no way out you should know there is always someway. If you have lost everything and feel devastated things can be replaced.

There are so many instances of letting go. We lose family pets, favorite toys, loves, friends, careers...
The one thing in common to all of those things however is you. You are part of what made all those things special. Could you have known love without you being there to receive and give it back? Could you have enjoyed a favorite book without having read it?

The point is as long as you preserve you the possibilities are endless. You may not see them in your grief but they are there. You can love again. You can rebuild again. Quite simply you can. All that is needed is you.

I know the ravages of loss and pain far to well. But I also know love. Anyone or anything you love never leaves. It's just a change of life. And please don't fear change. Good things can come with change. New adventures and loves can occur. And as I mentioned all those loves are still in you, in that precious heart where you store the dear things in life.

Shed your tears for the old but remember to lift your head and look about, for love is all about if you choose to see it. Celebrate the old by living in the new.  Because how beautiful is that? The sacred vessel of you carries all that love into the new world to start again.

Once I told you love begins in you. It never ends. It may change but it never ends. Live in that knowledge you create, you hold, and you share love. It's ok to let go of people and things. It's not ok to let go of you. You are the connection that keeps it all alive and growing.

Love, what an amazing gift. Always carry it with you.

Love is Never Wrong!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Charity Begins at Home

Every year around this time I give you suggestions how to help our community and the world in general. This year I would like to ask you all to support two causes near my heart. Victims of sexual assault and child sexual abuse is a topic most dont discuss let alone acknowledge. Please help them how you can.

RAINN  (Rape Abuse & Incest National Network)


National Childhood Sexual Abuse Helpline


You time and money can help mend lives. Share your love and compassion and make a difference in someones life.

Love is Never Wrong!


Pride is one of those wonderful feelings. There are so many variations of it and some are negative but let's not talk of those today. Let's talk about the good ones that warm our hearts and make us feel worthy, accepted, and needed.

You know in my life I have been proud of so many people. I've known pride in my self doing things I never imagined. Certainly not least I've known pride in people who overcame and rose above to be stronger and better than they were. People who who shared their hearts.

Being LGBT we think firstly of pride parades. But I think it is more important we have pride in ourselves, our lives, and our accomplishments first. I say this because its all those wonderful things that add up in our lives that defines us.

Yes be proud of being LGBT but know it's only an aspect of who you are. You are not defined by any label. You are defined by you, your choices, and actions. You are defined by your heart and your spirit to overcome.

Be you, be happy you are you, love you, and share that wonderful love with all the special people in the world. That's something to be proud of.

I know sometimes we feel so low or lost we can not feel pride but you should. We only think of the grand things as worth of pride but its the small ones to. Maybe your all alone and in tears and you still took time to help another more lost than you. Maybe you made it through another day in spite of being oh so hurt. Maybe you raised your head just enough to see a beautiful sunset.

Pride begins in you. It is all those obstacles that seem unbreakable or impassable that you manage to overcome. It is that good feeling when you share you or help another. And yes it is love of being you. No one else in this world is like you. Be proud of that for you are unique and whatever color your soul shines you light up the world.

So know all those wonderful things in your life are you. Be proud of them. Be proud of you for achieving them. Be proud of others who also struggle and stand in their own definition. Just be proud because each and everyone of you are beautiful.  Even if you can not see it you have value.

Pride begins in love. Is it any wonder why it makes us feel good?

Love is Never Wrong!

Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Lonely Heart

Today I would like to share some more of my life. Maybe you will see how I got to where I am. Maybe you will find similar things or hopefully warnings to avoid things and people. I'm not perfect and I have certainly made many mistakes in my long journey but I have tried to learn, grow, and be better. Sometimes life has to literally hit me over the head before I take notice but I eventually do.

My life has been a journey through rough mountains and valleys. Ive seen the highest peaks that took my breathe away and the lowest valleys where you could not see the sun.. Ive walked narrow rocky paths that wind along and you never know whats around the corner. I've fallen and had those same rocks shred me.

Still I carry on. I seek what many do. I seek companions for this lonely heart. Oh I've know some wonderful ones in my time. "E" if you are out there your kindness, grace, aide, and certainly beauty did more for me than you ever know. You gave me hope and direction when I needed it most. Yes I did need a good bat over the head on some things but you reached me.

Since I have mentioned "E" allow me to tell you a bit about her. She is one of those special people. Her heart is so beautiful and so is she. Her nature does not let her realize she has it all. Like any of us she has issues but she rises above them with such grace and distinction.

I met her when I was still learning the world. I was fumbling through things trying to understand so much and no one was taking time to help me. Oh I begged some to help and advise but they ignored me. Some even hurt me for it. However she did not.

"E" took me under her wing and taught me. I'm not sure she realized just how lost this soul was when she started and how much work it needed but she started the process. I love her for that. She was truly one of the kindest souls I have ever known. She got the rough me.

She got the me that had not yet recovered from more than a decade of child sexual abuse. When you go through that for so long at such a formative age it takes so much to right your path in life. You have a hurt in you are not sure you can overcome. You are wary of being hurt and sometimes that caution causes more.

I didn't know a lot about social interactions when I met her. But I knew I was lonely and I needed someone be it a friend or love. She was there. Sadly I didn't have the strength at the time to share the heavy burdens of my life with her but I think I would have been safe if I had.

When you have been torn down so much and every person is a suspect in your eyes you make a lot of mistakes. You sabotage a lot of good things and connections with people. You even make poor choices on finding special people.

Unfortunately "E" is no longer in my life. I messed up with her and it was not intended. One day I met one of her dear friends. Oh he was so handsome, funny, and kind. Most certainly he never wanted to hurt me.  He was like no other I had met. My heart rushed at the excitement someone like him existed. 

I rushed in ignoring her warnings to be gentle. Oh I did love him and I did hold him oh so dear but we did not fit and I didn't know I could tell him all the things I probably should have. Oh if I would have I think it may have worked. But it didn't work out.

That strained things between us. Still in my love conquers all stage I went back to him. I did open up some and he got to see a bit into the dark closet I hid and some of the horrible pains I had been through but it still didn't work.   I broke his heart. I broke mine as well. And as you can expect I broke "E's"

I cried a lot over those times. Beautiful souls are so rare in life. I wish they could have known why I was so messed up. I wish they could know so many had been cruel or used me. I wish I could have told them you were treasures so priceless. Like I said I'm not a perfect person I have made many mistakes in life.

This lonely heart learned to trust in others with her. I learned to trust in me. She and her precious friend helped me find enough peace to stand upon so I  could get out of the bog of pain I walked in. I owe her so much appreciation and love. But I know well enough to leave her be. My lonely heart ripped into her life and left her hurting. It was never intended. I never knew any better. I'd only had a life of bad examples and being used.

In my eyes "E" is one of those silent angels who walk our world. I hope she has a long long life filled with love and everyone else she touches gets to know just a sliver of that radiant heart of hers.

As I  mentioned though I began my journey as a lonely heart looking for a companion. I was so sure finding love was the answer to my problems and in a way it is but I had to first find love in me. I had to love me. She was the first to show me this. It took time to find my footing and I lost her in the process but the good she did was wonderful.

Many of the early ones I met in life would be laughing at this and making fun of me. Some would call me weak. Still others would think I was dumb. Maybe I was but you know what I am still here, I learned, and am still learning the wonders of the heart. With surety I can say any pain I caused in my desperate search was never intentional.

Sometimes our hearts get lost and they latch on to whoever shows them any kindness or attention. Sometimes we are so wrecked by events in life we don't understand or know which way is right. Sometimes all the examples we have be given are bad. And sadly sometimes people use you.

The lonely heart is in a lot of us. It floats in a sea of confusion all alone. This is why I always tell you to shine. A radiant heart can be a guiding lighthouse beacon to those lost in the sea. They may not always know it but they do save lives and they certainly make the world brighter.

So today I honor the beacon who lit up my world. The kind soul who taught me more than she ever knows. "E" I doubt you will ever read this but if you do and you know its me. Thank you! Please know you are beautiful and you have it all. You just don't know it.

Love is Never Wrong!

Friday, December 4, 2015

A Journey Into Thorns

Today I want to share the most painful journey of my life. I want to share my relationship with "T". I learned a lot of hard things with him and maybe you can as well. I can not share the whole story as it is to painful but what I will should teach you plenty.

"T" is one of those charmers and manipulators. Don't get me wrong there is a good part to him but few ever get to share it in honestly. I first met "T" at a party. He was charming, handsome, and part rogue. He caught my interest so I did what most do I chatted and got to know him more.

Things went well and smoothly and over time we began to date. Oh I'm a hopeless romantic at times and I fell in love. And according to "T" so did he. Ever faithful I stood by him and thought our love was growing. I thought we had a nice future.

One day I was ever so sick and he called. I answered and told him I was so tired and didn't feel good. I think I set the phone down next to me. I do remember his distant voice but I was sleepy. The next thing I recall was some voice calling out and I forced myself to wake up. It was one of the buildings people calling out on a wellness call.

I didn't have much strength but I called back. I must not have had enough for them to hear. So mustering all I could I got up and headed to the door of my bedroom. I remember this so well because its one of the few times "T" ever showed love for me, unbridled.

The building man was about to give up as I reached the door and i heard "T" pleading with him to check my bedroom. There was concern and pain in his voice. I made it to the door and collapsed against the door frame. "T" rushed to me, pleaded and coaxed me to stand and make it to the couch. He kept me awake till and ambulance arrived.

I was in hospital for quite some time. He faithfully came to me every day. He took care of my every need. He made sure my things were taken care of and career didn't suffer. That my dear friends is the first time I knew "T" loved me.

Time went on and I healed. He faithfully took me home and checked on me for quite a while after that. He has a nobility to him at times that I admire greatly. I can say with all honesty when his time was mine no one came between us. But such times were rare.

Anyway we grew closer had fun and traveled together. Then on his birthday I decided to surprise him. When I got to his home that he shared with friends I was met by one of them and asked with a happy smile to let me sneak up and surprise him with his birthday gift.

Wanting to record memories I had my camera in one hand and his gift in the other. I opened his door and called out Happy Birthday. Then I was greeted with the sight of his friends girlfriend on her knees servicing him. Stunned turned to hurt and anger.

I told him enjoy your birthday gift it will be the last you ever get from me. "T" began a hate filled rant. Saying all kinds of hurtful things that were not true he even blamed me. I tried to talk calmly to him repeatedly but he would have none of it. So I left.

My next step was my first mistake with him and its one he punished me for. Being a good friend I told his friend I broke up with "T" and I told him why. I even showed him the recording from my camera. I told his friend I was sorry to be the one to do this but he had the right to know. I wished him love and again said I was sorry.

I left "T" that day. I was gone for sometime but something unexpected forced me to come back into his life. I gave him another chance. I forgave. But that was not enough. Oh "T" charmed and played his role oh so well. Then one day he did the first of two unspeakable acts. At the time I didn't know. I was suspicious but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"T" and I separated and some life, times and loves later we reconnected. We gave it another try but as the theme goes he lied to me, used me, and committed the second unspeakable act. However this time I knew. I confronted him and he confessed to me.

That was the most intense rage I have ever known. I hurt him! I hurt him intentionally. I hurt him justly and righteously. If there was a time to justify pain he earned that one. He deserved much more than I did but I am not a hostile person by nature. However some lines are so sacred you do not cross.

It took me a long time to find forgiveness for him. I couldn't hold that rage anymore I had to let it go. It served no one but it never meant he was free of his sins. He is one of those people who owe thousands of lifetimes of atonement. Sadly I doubt that debt will ever be payed.

I did forgive "T". and time marched on. "T" is one of those wounded souls like so many of us. He has never revealed to me his true pains but I know they are there. I know he has not dealt with them and because of that he fiercely controls his life with an iron fist and those in it.

There are good parts to "T".  I freely admit that. If you can touch his soul he can and will shower you with love. However as I said there are ghosts in his life that make him so wary. He sabotaged all the good people in ways I don't think he knows. He causes pain without knowing just how much he hurts others. In many ways "T" is another innocent soul but he has forsaken that innocence and allowed the harshness to engulf him.

I have some grand memories of him. I even went to him to comfort him when his sister died. It made me sad to see him in his loss and the man that was the charmer was all alone except family. All his friends that he called such did not show. They did not stand by him. Only I came to him. I think he kind of realized that day other than his family I was the only one who truly gave a damn about him.

But his pride, and pain, and demons did not leave well enough alone. He pushed and acted up and finally drove the last romantic love I had for him out of my heart. He drove me from his life. I gave him what he wanted. I set him free.

Some time later I was at a family gathering and somehow he found out. He showed up uninvited.  He knew what he was doing. He knew the pain he was stirring up. But I had none of it. I confronted him in honesty and love. "T" will always have have my love as a friend. Anything more though he has pretty much killed.

Anyway he threatened and bullied. When charm failed he began to use one of his old tricks to coerce and force. However he failed. He knows me. He knows I always greet him in love and honesty. Ive have always been there for him. But his mind can't reconcile that.

In some ways I think I may have been one of the only people to never use him or make demands of him. Even when we were together I never sought his wealth even though he had plenty. I never barged into his popularity even though he was the social butterfly. All I ever wanted was him.

However like I said he does not let go. Even when he achieved all that he wanted he came back for more. He hurt me and punished me. His action have and still do resonate in my life and my families. I can't hate him. I can't reason with him. All I can is love him and keep an open hand in hopes one day he realizes I'm here and always have been.

"T" taught me love does not conquer all. He taught me you have to deal with the painful things in life. You have to deal with them even if they threaten to wrack your very soul in pain. He taught me  I can forgive things I never knew I could.

I do know "T" knows of my blog. I can't say if he reds it but if you are out there "T" I welcome a visit from and old friend. But do so on my time not my families. You have my forgiveness for some time now. You have all that you wanted. Maybe one day you will show me you to love me and give me what I deserve. Go in peace my old friend. Please find love, let someone in, be vulnerable, and let go of all those old pains I know you carry so deeply. Be happy!

For all you my readers I hope you have something to take from this.  I can not share everything because some things are to hurtful but please know even in pain find love and give it. You may not get it back and some may distrust it but know you can only do whats in your power.

I hope and pray you all never have to go through the things in my life. I hope my words can teach you something.  I hope my life can be example of both what not to do and what to do. Live for love and certainly live in love!

Love is Never Wrong!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015


Family is one of those things all people have. Sometimes it is not always good. However we have two kinds of family. We have those assigned to us by blood and those we choose. Both are precious gifts.

All to often family is taken for granted or ignored for personal desires or goals. This can cause great strain or in some cases a complete break down in bonds.  It takes effort to maintain family and it takes love. But when we do share those two we can experience one of the strongest and greatest things in life.

Being LGBT family has always been a difficult and at times painful bond for us. At times we are rejected and hurt. It can scar us so deeply. Our hearts don't always know how to repair such pains. So sometimes we give up on family because it has only given us pain.

One thing I can tell you about all this however is family never goes away. People may fight and bicker. Hearts may grow cold and pain is the dish served at a gathering but it is not an end. As long as you carry love in your heart that bond is unbreakable.

Society has gotten used to single parents, divorce, throwing children out of a house... I think this is where we go wrong. Family is a part of you and your soul. You may get hurt, angry, or even left alone but that only means the burdens of love and unity must fall upon you.

This does not mean you are at fault. In any argument there is always many to blame. What it does mean is take that precious gift you have in you and share it. Mend broken hearts, forgive pain, and extend your hand in peace.

When all else fails and those given to you by blood are gone know you have the family of your heart. Be it a love, a child, special friends, or kindred souls you have the opportunity to form bonds as deep as any. Love! Love all those great souls in the world, your world.

In my own life I have family I have argued with, been hurt by, and those lost to time. I love them all and I miss those I no longer have in my life. Some are treasures so priceless and beautiful in my heart just thinking of them brings tears to my eyes.

If I were to give them a message from my heart it would be embrace while life gives us a chance. Share our lives and hearts. Know that from which you come and those who you share. Family is quite simply one of those sacred things. May it always know love, forgiveness, and peace.

Embrace your family whoever they may be and know love. Life is to short to not love, even with all the stumbles along the way. Never give up on family in your life, even if its a family of your own creation.

Love is Never Wrong!