Monday, March 14, 2016

Lessons of the Heart: Forever

Being LGBT it has become so easy to simply make connections and separate love and sex. Society has certainly driven us to this. Ostracism, harassment, discrimination, and threat of death forces things like love to be hidden in dark places when they should be celebrated in the light of day.

Only now in parts of the world can we marry, attend churches in the open, and do all those wonderful things like hold hands openly and kiss.  There is a long way to go yet but now some of us can undertake the full pinnacle of love, forever.

Forever...that stage of love when you could see your self staying with one person till the end of time. Good times and bad, sickness, and death. You would live your life with them and without second thought be happy to do it all over again, forever.

I know in my own life I have been blessed with two people I would say that with.  I love and treasure each and every one I have ever said I love you to but only two have ever made me feel like forever. Sadly both didn't feel the same.

That is part of what I would like to talk about today. Love is so precious and finding forever a treasure so rare your lucky to find it in a lifetime. So many of us have struggles and issues with such commitments because we get bogged down in so many things and pressures.

In my case I struggled with being LGBT and child sexual abuse. When you have been hurt so young and for so long before your body begins to awaken to such things you shut things down to protect yourself. You begin a mental and physical denial saying you may take this but you will not get this.

Sadly when you do that so young you may never turn some things back on or struggle to do so. You have doubts in not only others but yourself. If you have ever known being reduced to a sexual object it makes it hard to trust. It is hard to trust in yourself and others.

Of the two I let in to my forever zone I know I felt unattractive, uninteresting, unsure what to do, and some times I just didn't understand. Making connection when you shut them down so long ago is difficult because quite simply you have to make a new access to something like that because they may have never formed.

 Love can be difficult enough in normal situations let alone being LGBT, abuse, or persecution. Those who carry the T have it even worse they have that and dealing with gender identity. It is not easy, not at all.

However, as I was saying, the two I let in I had to create new places for them. It took me so long to accept they wanted me. I had to accept someone thought I was attractive, smart, funny and lovable. But I eventually did. Oh and what a feeling when you can get there. It is like a spark that could light a thousand suns. A joy you really can not describe.

As I said though both decided they didn't want forever with me. One of them I have told you about. That was M. All the hardships and pain we went through were enough to shatter lives but when we finally found our footing it was indescribable. I don't chase after M anymore. He made it clear he didn't want me so I will respect his wishes.

I'm tired of chasing and being the one to fight for something and start the spark so I leave it in his heart. He knows me and where I am. As much as my heart hurts not being with him I want him to be happy even if its not with me. If he ever discovers that old flame still burns I'd give him another chance but he would have to fight for me. He would have to chase me. The burden is on him now.

The other who touched my heart... what can I say? He was tall handsome, strong... Oh I recall those arms. He was kind and gentle. He had a deep faith in God and he made me feel so special. I was so unsure around him. I was so sure someone else was going to take him from me because they were more attractive, interesting, or talented.

It took me so long to accept he truly wanted me. When I did my heart soared. It said I would be happy to spend forever with him. I felt a peace and joy to sustain the heart through eternity. I can't say we were perfect people but we connected. But as I mentioned earlier he decided he didn't want forever.

In what I thought was a romantic get away he suddenly pulled the carpet out from under me. He was calm and collected and had obviously planned it. To me however I had no warning signs. I felt so foolish, humiliated, hurt, and heartbroken.  All those old second nature feelings from my childhood came calling.

"See what happens when you open your heart?" came screaming. I just wanted to withdraw from the earth its self and hide in some dark corner and that's what I did retreating to a dark corner of a cabin. I know the tears flowed freely that night.

Both were intensely painful and severe blows to my heart. It took me some time to get to a good place with both wonderful men. Oh I still cry now and then over the circumstance or when the memories stir and my heart yearns to once again be in their arms.

Some of you are probably thinking why risk such pain. My answer is simple if you don't take a chance it will always just be you. I don't regret opening my heart to either one. I may regret some events or choices with them but I don't regret the love.

I would give either of them another chance. But the burden would be on them. This soul has known enough pain. It's their choice to chase me or fight for me for once. It's their place to let me know I'm valuable in their hearts still.

So what does all this have to do with what I began discussing? Love is a thing so precious. It is a thing you must fight for and maintain. It is a thing you should not discard lightly. Doubts are not a an excuse. Not sharing enough similar interests are not an excuse. Not fitting your picture of desire is not and excuse.

Love is what ever happens. By all means enter life with an open heart and let it go where it will. You may be surprised and find the stuff of forever where you never knew to look. Don't give up till your sure it's no longer love. No one probably told you love is work but it is such a sweet task. And when you find it it's such a sweet joy.

Please set aside connections and explore love. Let all those wonderful feelings flow. If you fail pick up your aching heart and try again. Forever is a reward that washes away any pains you can carry. It is a fulfillment that leaves the heart bursting with joy.

To the two men who enchanted my heart and soul I say I am here and you still haunt the chambers of this wounded heart. The old kindling is still there. It maybe be a bit water logged from tears but I'm sure if you worked to light it, it would soar forth. I miss that warmth. If nothing else come visit this soul when it is near departing this Earth. My eyes would love to gaze upon beauty and say things long silent.

Forever does not end with goodbye. It is merely a pause.

Love is Never Wrong!

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