Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A Sober Life

Today I want to talk about the taboo topic in our community, our society. I want to talk about alcohol, so please hear me out. I know so many are staunch one way or another on it but I think I need to share my perspective as it is a issue so wide spread in society as a whole, not just LGBT.

My experiences with alcohol have been quite dark and sad. You should know that before you read any more. However if alcohol is a big part of your life read on you need to hear the other side. I'm not hear to condemn just to give you a new perspective.

In my life I have known far to many who place their lips to one bottle or glass. They sought fun, entertainment, numbness, and escape. The reasons are numerous but it was a wicked barter to achieve such.

When I was a child my fathers mother married a man who was an alcoholic. Generally he was a happy drunk and when he was I was his little buddy. When he was not there were long times between visits to see my grandmother. I was sheltered from the truth but I always knew there was something more.

In my teens I had many friends and people I would hang around with. Some drank and they did so to much. One got in a serious accident that nearly took his life. Another got a girl he didn't even know pregnant because he had no control of himself.  He was a good guy but lacked control when drunk. I didn't understand it at the time but I was there for him and listened.

It was not until my adult life I learned the true darkness of alcohol. You hear all these stories one way or another. You hear those who drink say its so fun and a great escape. It never was an allure to me and I was neutral. I was innocent.

One day I met a wonderful man. He was tall, dark, and handsome.  His mind was sharp and full of humor and passion. He was a dream come true. If I could have stopped time in that moment I would have lived it forever.

However time does not stop. My love, my deep passionate love had a problem. He to sought the end of a bottle. There were many times I was unsure about him in the beginning when he would become drunk. But like always I love first and I tried to help I tried to advise.

But people who impair their minds with alcohol don't always see your efforts as they are. They think you are judging them or trying to control their life. One night my love came home quite drunk and his mood was different. I made the simple mistake of telling him he needed to stop.

In a dark scene from a movie he snapped his head my way and uttered bitter angry words. When I tried to touch him in comfort he snapped me back against the wall. In my second mistake I tried to push him off of me. That was the first time I was beaten.

Trying to escape I fled to a room and locked the door. He broke it in and in the process threw me into the wall. Concussions are lovely things. I have no idea how long I was out.I gently awoke hearing him scream to get up and he knew I was faking it. However I was not.

I left him that night and fled to a place of comfort. It was some time before I could forgive and try again. I didn't want to give up on love. I didn't want to give up on the man I knew was beneath spirits from a bottle.

Time went on and another familiar night and another familiar visit from the dark stranger that inhabited my love happened. This time a beating was not enough. I was violently raped. You have no idea how bad that feels to lose someone so dear by such a brutal act. A brutal act fueled by alcohol impairing judgement.

I lost a lot that night. It created one of the darkest times I have ever known.

Another love of mine was the social and happy drinker. He never was the violent type but he did make alcohol his preferred method to have fun and to socialize. He never knew how much he made me nervous or cry when I saw him like that.

He will never remember the times I carried him to bed took care of him when he was sick or was sure to keep things quiet the next day offering comfort in his recovery. I lost so much of him to alcohol and recovery from it. Don't mistake me he was a fun happy man when drunk. He had a sincere honesty I almost wish he had in real life, but the trade off to losing a love to bottle is a painful one.

Trading a chink of your life to have fun is not a good exchange.

There is only one time I allowed myself to indulge in alcohol freely. Oh jello shots can be so deceiving in their flavor. But sure enough they do impair. I could handle that so I tried a drink. One became two, three...

I recall things as in a fog. Its like some film of you but its not you acting. I recall being so drunk I stumbled and fell. I remember being carried to bed. I remember kissing a handsome man and I remember him trying to have sex with me. I also remember my mind screaming no but those words never reached my mouth or my arms.

I remember closing my eyes and just choosing to let the alcohol black me out than to experience sex that was not wanted. That was the last time I ever touched my lips to a bottle. That was the last time I allowed a drink to control me.

I have shed to many tears in life because of alcohol and its effects on me and others. I've spent to much time playing second fiddle to a drink that takes peoples time away from me. I've hurt and seen to much hurt from a night of inebriation.

I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. I'm not against alcohol. Having a drink with a meal or in celebration is fine. Even having a drink at the end of a trying day is fine. But moderation is a must. When you give your life to a bottle of some intoxicating liquid you burden yourself and others. You hurt yourself and others.

Please embrace life, a sober life. Please love, love yourself and others. Please know fun is abundant without a drink. Please don't hurt yourself or others. Please...

There are many stories I could tell you. These are just a few from a long life. I have forgiven all the pain visited on me by bottle of something or another. But the tears of that pain still well up in my eyes. The tears of lost love haunt the darker chambers of my heart.

Drink or don't it is your choice. But please know when that bottle touches your lips you begin to change your life and those around you. Maybe it won't be significant maybe it will be utter catastrophe but ts a gamble with life and love.

Please live a sober life. It can be a beautiful place when you see it from clear eyes and a loving heart.

Love is Never Wrong!

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