Friday, December 4, 2015

A Journey Into Thorns

Today I want to share the most painful journey of my life. I want to share my relationship with "T". I learned a lot of hard things with him and maybe you can as well. I can not share the whole story as it is to painful but what I will should teach you plenty.

"T" is one of those charmers and manipulators. Don't get me wrong there is a good part to him but few ever get to share it in honestly. I first met "T" at a party. He was charming, handsome, and part rogue. He caught my interest so I did what most do I chatted and got to know him more.

Things went well and smoothly and over time we began to date. Oh I'm a hopeless romantic at times and I fell in love. And according to "T" so did he. Ever faithful I stood by him and thought our love was growing. I thought we had a nice future.

One day I was ever so sick and he called. I answered and told him I was so tired and didn't feel good. I think I set the phone down next to me. I do remember his distant voice but I was sleepy. The next thing I recall was some voice calling out and I forced myself to wake up. It was one of the buildings people calling out on a wellness call.

I didn't have much strength but I called back. I must not have had enough for them to hear. So mustering all I could I got up and headed to the door of my bedroom. I remember this so well because its one of the few times "T" ever showed love for me, unbridled.

The building man was about to give up as I reached the door and i heard "T" pleading with him to check my bedroom. There was concern and pain in his voice. I made it to the door and collapsed against the door frame. "T" rushed to me, pleaded and coaxed me to stand and make it to the couch. He kept me awake till and ambulance arrived.

I was in hospital for quite some time. He faithfully came to me every day. He took care of my every need. He made sure my things were taken care of and career didn't suffer. That my dear friends is the first time I knew "T" loved me.

Time went on and I healed. He faithfully took me home and checked on me for quite a while after that. He has a nobility to him at times that I admire greatly. I can say with all honesty when his time was mine no one came between us. But such times were rare.

Anyway we grew closer had fun and traveled together. Then on his birthday I decided to surprise him. When I got to his home that he shared with friends I was met by one of them and asked with a happy smile to let me sneak up and surprise him with his birthday gift.

Wanting to record memories I had my camera in one hand and his gift in the other. I opened his door and called out Happy Birthday. Then I was greeted with the sight of his friends girlfriend on her knees servicing him. Stunned turned to hurt and anger.

I told him enjoy your birthday gift it will be the last you ever get from me. "T" began a hate filled rant. Saying all kinds of hurtful things that were not true he even blamed me. I tried to talk calmly to him repeatedly but he would have none of it. So I left.

My next step was my first mistake with him and its one he punished me for. Being a good friend I told his friend I broke up with "T" and I told him why. I even showed him the recording from my camera. I told his friend I was sorry to be the one to do this but he had the right to know. I wished him love and again said I was sorry.

I left "T" that day. I was gone for sometime but something unexpected forced me to come back into his life. I gave him another chance. I forgave. But that was not enough. Oh "T" charmed and played his role oh so well. Then one day he did the first of two unspeakable acts. At the time I didn't know. I was suspicious but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"T" and I separated and some life, times and loves later we reconnected. We gave it another try but as the theme goes he lied to me, used me, and committed the second unspeakable act. However this time I knew. I confronted him and he confessed to me.

That was the most intense rage I have ever known. I hurt him! I hurt him intentionally. I hurt him justly and righteously. If there was a time to justify pain he earned that one. He deserved much more than I did but I am not a hostile person by nature. However some lines are so sacred you do not cross.

It took me a long time to find forgiveness for him. I couldn't hold that rage anymore I had to let it go. It served no one but it never meant he was free of his sins. He is one of those people who owe thousands of lifetimes of atonement. Sadly I doubt that debt will ever be payed.

I did forgive "T". and time marched on. "T" is one of those wounded souls like so many of us. He has never revealed to me his true pains but I know they are there. I know he has not dealt with them and because of that he fiercely controls his life with an iron fist and those in it.

There are good parts to "T".  I freely admit that. If you can touch his soul he can and will shower you with love. However as I said there are ghosts in his life that make him so wary. He sabotaged all the good people in ways I don't think he knows. He causes pain without knowing just how much he hurts others. In many ways "T" is another innocent soul but he has forsaken that innocence and allowed the harshness to engulf him.

I have some grand memories of him. I even went to him to comfort him when his sister died. It made me sad to see him in his loss and the man that was the charmer was all alone except family. All his friends that he called such did not show. They did not stand by him. Only I came to him. I think he kind of realized that day other than his family I was the only one who truly gave a damn about him.

But his pride, and pain, and demons did not leave well enough alone. He pushed and acted up and finally drove the last romantic love I had for him out of my heart. He drove me from his life. I gave him what he wanted. I set him free.

Some time later I was at a family gathering and somehow he found out. He showed up uninvited.  He knew what he was doing. He knew the pain he was stirring up. But I had none of it. I confronted him in honesty and love. "T" will always have have my love as a friend. Anything more though he has pretty much killed.

Anyway he threatened and bullied. When charm failed he began to use one of his old tricks to coerce and force. However he failed. He knows me. He knows I always greet him in love and honesty. Ive have always been there for him. But his mind can't reconcile that.

In some ways I think I may have been one of the only people to never use him or make demands of him. Even when we were together I never sought his wealth even though he had plenty. I never barged into his popularity even though he was the social butterfly. All I ever wanted was him.

However like I said he does not let go. Even when he achieved all that he wanted he came back for more. He hurt me and punished me. His action have and still do resonate in my life and my families. I can't hate him. I can't reason with him. All I can is love him and keep an open hand in hopes one day he realizes I'm here and always have been.

"T" taught me love does not conquer all. He taught me you have to deal with the painful things in life. You have to deal with them even if they threaten to wrack your very soul in pain. He taught me  I can forgive things I never knew I could.

I do know "T" knows of my blog. I can't say if he reds it but if you are out there "T" I welcome a visit from and old friend. But do so on my time not my families. You have my forgiveness for some time now. You have all that you wanted. Maybe one day you will show me you to love me and give me what I deserve. Go in peace my old friend. Please find love, let someone in, be vulnerable, and let go of all those old pains I know you carry so deeply. Be happy!

For all you my readers I hope you have something to take from this.  I can not share everything because some things are to hurtful but please know even in pain find love and give it. You may not get it back and some may distrust it but know you can only do whats in your power.

I hope and pray you all never have to go through the things in my life. I hope my words can teach you something.  I hope my life can be example of both what not to do and what to do. Live for love and certainly live in love!

Love is Never Wrong!

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