Saturday, December 5, 2015

The Lonely Heart

Today I would like to share some more of my life. Maybe you will see how I got to where I am. Maybe you will find similar things or hopefully warnings to avoid things and people. I'm not perfect and I have certainly made many mistakes in my long journey but I have tried to learn, grow, and be better. Sometimes life has to literally hit me over the head before I take notice but I eventually do.

My life has been a journey through rough mountains and valleys. Ive seen the highest peaks that took my breathe away and the lowest valleys where you could not see the sun.. Ive walked narrow rocky paths that wind along and you never know whats around the corner. I've fallen and had those same rocks shred me.

Still I carry on. I seek what many do. I seek companions for this lonely heart. Oh I've know some wonderful ones in my time. "E" if you are out there your kindness, grace, aide, and certainly beauty did more for me than you ever know. You gave me hope and direction when I needed it most. Yes I did need a good bat over the head on some things but you reached me.

Since I have mentioned "E" allow me to tell you a bit about her. She is one of those special people. Her heart is so beautiful and so is she. Her nature does not let her realize she has it all. Like any of us she has issues but she rises above them with such grace and distinction.

I met her when I was still learning the world. I was fumbling through things trying to understand so much and no one was taking time to help me. Oh I begged some to help and advise but they ignored me. Some even hurt me for it. However she did not.

"E" took me under her wing and taught me. I'm not sure she realized just how lost this soul was when she started and how much work it needed but she started the process. I love her for that. She was truly one of the kindest souls I have ever known. She got the rough me.

She got the me that had not yet recovered from more than a decade of child sexual abuse. When you go through that for so long at such a formative age it takes so much to right your path in life. You have a hurt in you are not sure you can overcome. You are wary of being hurt and sometimes that caution causes more.

I didn't know a lot about social interactions when I met her. But I knew I was lonely and I needed someone be it a friend or love. She was there. Sadly I didn't have the strength at the time to share the heavy burdens of my life with her but I think I would have been safe if I had.

When you have been torn down so much and every person is a suspect in your eyes you make a lot of mistakes. You sabotage a lot of good things and connections with people. You even make poor choices on finding special people.

Unfortunately "E" is no longer in my life. I messed up with her and it was not intended. One day I met one of her dear friends. Oh he was so handsome, funny, and kind. Most certainly he never wanted to hurt me.  He was like no other I had met. My heart rushed at the excitement someone like him existed. 

I rushed in ignoring her warnings to be gentle. Oh I did love him and I did hold him oh so dear but we did not fit and I didn't know I could tell him all the things I probably should have. Oh if I would have I think it may have worked. But it didn't work out.

That strained things between us. Still in my love conquers all stage I went back to him. I did open up some and he got to see a bit into the dark closet I hid and some of the horrible pains I had been through but it still didn't work.   I broke his heart. I broke mine as well. And as you can expect I broke "E's"

I cried a lot over those times. Beautiful souls are so rare in life. I wish they could have known why I was so messed up. I wish they could know so many had been cruel or used me. I wish I could have told them you were treasures so priceless. Like I said I'm not a perfect person I have made many mistakes in life.

This lonely heart learned to trust in others with her. I learned to trust in me. She and her precious friend helped me find enough peace to stand upon so I  could get out of the bog of pain I walked in. I owe her so much appreciation and love. But I know well enough to leave her be. My lonely heart ripped into her life and left her hurting. It was never intended. I never knew any better. I'd only had a life of bad examples and being used.

In my eyes "E" is one of those silent angels who walk our world. I hope she has a long long life filled with love and everyone else she touches gets to know just a sliver of that radiant heart of hers.

As I  mentioned though I began my journey as a lonely heart looking for a companion. I was so sure finding love was the answer to my problems and in a way it is but I had to first find love in me. I had to love me. She was the first to show me this. It took time to find my footing and I lost her in the process but the good she did was wonderful.

Many of the early ones I met in life would be laughing at this and making fun of me. Some would call me weak. Still others would think I was dumb. Maybe I was but you know what I am still here, I learned, and am still learning the wonders of the heart. With surety I can say any pain I caused in my desperate search was never intentional.

Sometimes our hearts get lost and they latch on to whoever shows them any kindness or attention. Sometimes we are so wrecked by events in life we don't understand or know which way is right. Sometimes all the examples we have be given are bad. And sadly sometimes people use you.

The lonely heart is in a lot of us. It floats in a sea of confusion all alone. This is why I always tell you to shine. A radiant heart can be a guiding lighthouse beacon to those lost in the sea. They may not always know it but they do save lives and they certainly make the world brighter.

So today I honor the beacon who lit up my world. The kind soul who taught me more than she ever knows. "E" I doubt you will ever read this but if you do and you know its me. Thank you! Please know you are beautiful and you have it all. You just don't know it.

Love is Never Wrong!

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